i only feel good about myself when i'm hungry.
this is nothing new. just resurfacing.

i dont want this existence.
but i can't stand having my stomach full.
and looking at myself in the mirror.

i am letting go. letting go of rationale. reasoning. reckoning.

i am forcing myself to eat so i dont let it get too far again.

yet
here i am, reprimanding myself and my decision, when i lie down to sleep, and my stomach no longer growls.
remember those days, dear? when you wanted to wrap blankets around you in a will to disappear because you felt so unworthy? and all because you had a bit more to eat-- you know, something to graze on in order to not die-- and it made the rumbling of your system cease.

to the non-disordered, this is called living. to us, this is called failure.

this scenery is too familiar.
i think i'm already getting too far gone.

If anyone on my friend's list remembers me from a couple of years ago...

I am back.

and kids, I need yer lovin' and yer support and yer company.

Here's the rundown:

I'm now 21; I went to New Zealand and lived there for a few months.. it's what initially brought me out of my depression and began normal-ish eating habits. Then I moved to upstate NY a couple of years ago after my father passed away; got an amazing job working with a nonprofit; have since moved to NYC; basically I've had an amazing life for a few years now. That's the basics.  I thought I had this beat, stored away in my "god that was a scary time, never going there again, i was pathetic, look at me now" file.

However, this past week, I realize that it never really goes away. That thinking, that voice, it's always there. and sometimes, if you're not careful and taking extra precautions all the time, your disease comes out to play again.

My birthday was today (well, it's 1am as i write this.. so technically yesterday).
I have a gorgeous dog, a near perfect roommate, a great sex life (with myself and with others), a nice job, LOVE my city and my apartment and my location, a tremendous circle of friends spanning from the south, to the west, east, north and everywhere in between. I stay very busy and I feel very fulfilled.

I don't get why she's back now. I don't get it. But for the past 5 days, I'm suddenly comforted by my hunger pangs again. I suddenly feel better when I'm hungry. I'm remember this torrent of irrational and insane thoughts, feelings, ideas I had back when all this first came to a blow. Thing is, I'm not weighing myself and I don't have that sickening "goal weight" I once had. But I'm finding the other habits and thoughts that are back in action are just as strong.

I don't want to stop. but I know where this leads.  and it's not a fun place.

Is she doing this tonight
Drinking tea instead of eating
Stalking the mirror, windows, shiny suckered surfaces for a reflection,
For some loose interpretation of her form
Waiting for a glitch that’s pleasing to the eye
Taking notes, tips, and tricks to not appear worn
I tried. she says, i really did try.
Instead, she’s back, keeping company with these grave dwellers
Relearning how to solicit armor with a built-in self destruct lever
The comfort of control has reared its disheveled face again
Whose job is it to set the boundaries? she needs someone to
Make a diagram, or a geometrical shape with definitive lines
Someone to say "do not color outside these parameters"
She knows once the will is there, some jerk always yanks the ladder back up
Then there's nothin' to do 'cept ruminate over all those imperfections
Wander in the labryinth of what was once a stable mind,
then sit, sip slowly and cautiously the liquid from her cup

 

 

so on this note, this update, i'll leave with a sign off:

 

today's foods:

1 energy bar = 240 calories
large salad, no dressing = 150 calories
1 cup hemp milk with nutritional powder = 250 calories

here we go again....

fuck you.

fuck this.

fuck everything.

[today's food:
1/2 cup fiber one cereal w/ 1/2 cup skim milk and banana
1 serving oatmeal w/ half apple]
----

I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know what I've become. My last post was so gung-ho about getting out of this. but as the day progressed, the more I realized how clingy and dependent I've become to this disorder.. disease.. whatever it is. My fall schedule got fucked up somehow and when I couldn't figure out what I was going to do and how to fix it, I threw a terrible fit and cried for an hour. I yelled at my own mother for trying to help me. all because I'm so miserable, full of self-loathing and irritability.

I had planned to eat tonight, as a first step to escaping this black hole, but like all black holes do, it pulled me back already. Hey Adriel, get pissed or frustrated? just don't eat, that'll give you some control!It'll fix everything. or at least one thing.

but before that happened even, I got out of the house today for the first time in an entire week (I think). My sister wanted me to go with her to look at wedding dresses and wedding cake possibilities (she's getting married in March). We were looking at all the magnificent wedding cake designs and examples at the shop, and out of nowhere I fell down and just started crying right there in the middle of the store. I'm sure I embarrassed the shit out of her. she took me to the bathroom, "what's wrong? what's wrong?" How do I explain to her that I don't know if I'll live to see her in her beautiful dress getting married? How do I tell her how if I do, I won't be able to taste the cake I'm helping design? How do I get the words out to let her know how much I am suffering, without feeling guilty that I'm ruining this special experience in her life (picking out things for her wedding). So I said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel very well right now. Can we go home"

However, even if I'm not eating tonight (I tried, I really did), I e-mailed a local center around here and called them to leave a message in hopes of getting some more information and someone to talk to. I'll update here when I hear anything back.

thank you for all your positive comments and immense support. xox

After fainting 3 days in a row. Losing my best friend's interest in me. Forgetting my own father's birthday. and having a breakdown last night, breaking a mirror---- I made a decision today.


I want to be happy.


So I'm going to try. I'll let you know how it goes.
best of luck to all. xox

Damn all periods to hell. I finally got my little visitor after a couple of months of her bailing on me. I suppose this would be a good thing for my body, but a baaaad thing for all else. I've actually been craving food. I rarely get the urge to eat anything, even when my stomach is growling. and now not only am I finding my way to the kitchen, but also imagining eating many fattening, bad foods that I haven't craved in a long time. I haven't eaten any of my cravings (hello amazing self control), but the fact that it's there is driving me insane. insanely frustrating! Ah well, it should pass within the next few days and then all will return to as it should be. and the world will make sense again.

added to this though, I have been horrendously mean to my body and spirit today. too much negativity. I need to light some candles, meditate and chill the fuck out. the strive for perfection bit has gone a little over the top lately. and it's killing me.

-------------

today's food:

½ cup fiber one cereal
½ cup skim milk
1 banana
2 blueberries, 2 strawberries
small handful of roasted nuts
1 apple
1 cup green tea

new day. new goal. will I live to see it? will it be enough? I can see fragments of my bones, but I can also feel and see the fat around them. that scale is deceiving. so is everything else.


I wrote an entry in my friends only xanga the other day about absolutely having no desire to have social contact, etc. and a friend leaves me a comment after she reads it saying "hey we need to hang out soon, i love you!"

....what part of "no social contact" did she not understand? honestly. people. i give up.

I think if I ever feel like getting married (I'm sure I will eventually), that the lucky winner will be required to possess only one quality:

be a vegan chef


ironically, it would make life so much easier.

½ cup fiber one cereal
½ cup skim milk
1 banana
1 cup green tea
5 strawberries
½ peach
½ apple

I want to do so much in life. Hell, there are smaller, mundane things I want to do tonight, tomorrow, or next week. But I'm caged, limited, restrained because of my obsession. I don't see food as a luxury. I don't see it as a treat. nor nourishment, social detail, a 'given' part of every day life. I can't view it any other way than a nuisance, perhaps even a poison. Nothing goes in without serious, long, debated thought. I don't see myself ever being able to let go of these feelings.

I say that I will wait for the time to come where I finally have reached a comfortable place in my body, and then I will gradually be able to work up to eating sensibly and allowing myself to ease back into a normal life. However much I believe that might happen, or hope for it to, I know I will probably end up attempting to claw my way up to the top, and will inevitably slide back down again and be covered by the dirt and debris. I know it because it happens oh so often. I know how difficult it is to take one bite. I know how much it hurts to feel full. and for these reasons I know-- it is hopeless to say "I wish".

Let me be normal. Let me enjoy an evening out with a few friends, not overindulging but not paralyzed with fear of every morsel I am considering to eat. Let me feed myself when I am hungry, and stop when I am full. Let me have a small treat with my sister at an amusement park and not feel a pang of guilt for the following week. Let me put away the scale for good, and be okay in and with my body.

most of all, let me BE.

I am not myself. I am not anyone. I am empty in every way possible. I am not living.

So today was my birthday. it was all right.

today's food:

1 serving oatmeal
1 apple
1/2 cup skim milk w/ 1 banana and 1/2 cup fiber one cereal

-----

I have a huge spider bite on my right leg and now I can hardly move. bummer.

today's food:

1 apple
1 serving oatmeal
1 serving fruit yogurt (½ banana, 4 strawberries, 5 blueberries, 3 raspberries)
1 cup green tea
1 serving green beans

-------------

I had to throw out 2 more pair of pants today because they don't fit anymore. That's a good thing, but bad as well. The clothes I bought at the beginning of the summer are even too big now. I feel as if I've wasted so much money on clothes. I said goodbye to my favorite pair of jeans. it was a bittersweet moment. My closet seems kind of empty and I've been wearing practically the same outfit every time I've gone out of the house lately because nothing else really fits right. I suppose I'll hold off on replacing things until I've reached my goal. hmm, we'll see.

I did start feeling better after this morning so thanks for all the good thoughts my way from people who left comments and such. I even went for a 30 minute (slow paced) walk and surprisingly didn't suffer from very much vertigo.

It's silly how I think merely touching food will make me gain weight. anytime I touch anything I immediately wash my hands or put lotion on.

I really don't think there's anything sadder than the fact that I spend more time in front of my mirror pinching places on my body and frowning than I do socializing or enjoying life.

The scariest thing just happened.

I woke up feeling very sick to my stomach and tingly all over.
I went into the kitchen to make my normal breakfast and as I was getting out the milk, something came over me and I got really cold and sweaty and my heart started to beat faster. I thought "okay, okay, I have to eat something. just eat something and it'll be okay." I took one bite of my cereal and it made me feel even sicker, so I spit it out. about that second, I was overcome with dizziness and grabbed the closest food to me I could (an apple) to get something in my body. I started to eat it, and then, I just collapsed, dropping it and knocking everything on the counter over. I couldn't see. you know those black outs I had been talking about? This one, I thought I was going blind. and my ears were ringing. I felt like I was dying.

My mom heard me fall and she came over, held my hand and started asking "what's wrong, what's wrong are you okay?". I still couldn't see anything-- just the outlines of her shape. I told her "I can't see. I don't feel well. am I hot? feel my forehead." I knew I was saying this but I couldn't hear myself talking. she felt it and said it was cold, my hands were clammy, and that I was breathing strangely. After a few minutes of sitting there, I said "I think it's just my period. I'm having really bad cramps" (a lie). Then I got up with all the strength in my body I had, and finished my apple. It was making me sick to eat it, but I had to. I still felt too weak, so I had some oatmeal. With every bite of that oatmeal my self-loathing and disgust grew.

Now, since I ate so much that fast, I feel full, fat and repulsive. but I'm still shaking, my hands are trembling, I feel nauseous, everything aches and my ears feel like they are going to explode. and now I'm in even more of a bad mood because I dont think I'll feel well enough today to exercise, which I really need to do.
I still have 4 more pounds to lose.
And even after this episode, it's still worth it.
how utterly deranged am I to believe that.


edit: the wonderful people over at ed_ucate have informed me that it's due to low blood sugar levels. I'll be okay, I just need to eat some fruit or honey when this happens.

today's food:

1/3 cup skim milk
1 banana
½ cup fiber one cereal
2 strawberries, 3 blueberries, 2 raspberries
1/4 cup of light tuna

---------

Today has not been a good day. I could say "bad", but I want to try and remain at least a little positive. Besides the dispute with my father, I've simply felt drained and terrible. My eyes have blacked out (is there a better term for that? I don't know what it's called) twice as much and twice as long, followed by a sharp, quick pain in the head.

I was actually feeling a little better about my body today than I usually do, then I decided to sit down and analyze every pore, curve, pinch and line. needless to say, that wasn't smart and it led to a horrible meltdown in the privacy and safety of my nearly naked self under 10 blankets.

I tried to cheer myself up. I got in the car to go up to the park and have a relaxing time on the swingset. But on the way there, some impatient jerk behind me that I could see in my rearview mirror was throwing his hands up in the air at me in frustration because I didn't turn left on the yellow light. For some odd reason, this caused me to start bawling my eyes out and when I made it to the park, I sat at a picnic table and folded myself into my arms in an attempt to disappear.



it didn't work.

I just had a very intense argument with my dad.

"Have you eaten today?"
"yes"
"why dont you want any of the barbeque we brought home?"
"you know that I dont eat barbque, i'm about to make myself something else."
"you need to eat"
"I just said that I'm making myself something else"
"you're getting so skinny, you need to eat, actually eat"
"what are you talking about? you see me eat all the time. I'm in the kitchen at least 4 times a day getting something"
"adriel your clothes are hanging off you"
"my clothes are hanging off because i haven't bought any new ones since i've lost weight. that's what happens when you start eating right and working out. i'm TRYING to be healthy.
"i dont want to see you end up in the hospital"
"you are being so absurd! and you're really getting on my nerves, you ask me every 2 minutes what i'm eating or when i'm eating or if i've eaten yet."
"i mean really eat, get a hamburger or something"
"A HAMBURGER? that's not food, that's disgusting unhealthy crap. so you'd rather me put junk into my body than try to be healthy? yeah okay makes perfect sense. i'll just go stuff my face with greasy heart-attack inducing foods"

It went on like that for about a few more minutes, going in circles not getting anywhere. I made myself a sandwich, salad, and grabbed some fruit, then I but a banana in my mouth and walked out saying "look dad! food! i'm eating! happy?"

he then called me a smartass and we haven't talked since.


I know I'm being a brat. he's just concerned. he has a right to be. I'm in the wrong, but it still pisses me off. and no... I didn't eat any of the food that I brought to my room. But in all fairness, the scale and BMI thing may technically say I'm "underweight", but I don't look like it. Sure, I look thinner, but I'm far from looking sick. Gah, I just wish he'd leave me alone. He worries too much about everything as it is already, it's just his personality-- he does it with everything. I guess I should be thankful that my mom hasn't caught on to anything and started bothering me.
besides, i dont care what anything says, i still see and feel the rolls on my stomach. i still feel the fat in the back of my arms and on my lower back. i still feel the jiggle in my legs. until it's gone, I'm not stopping. I really did want to eat some fruit salad because I need to eat a little something more today. but I put one bite in my mouth and swallowed it, then felt very full. is that my mind playing tricks on me? how can I feel full?

I think my immune system is shutting down on me because I haven't felt very well lately. lots of headaches, eyes keep blacking out, get a little dizzy, stuffy and congested. I've convinced my parents it's just my allergies because they know i have terrible allergies. but my loooveeelyy father has ulterior motives trying to get me to go to the doctor, I know he does. he wants me to go to see if I have a "cold", which really means "maybe if my daughter goes to the doctor I will see how much she actually weighs and then they can make her eat." I suppose I'll have to fake feeling better. and I'll have to stop being so moody.

dear Best Friend,

I know we haven't been able to see each other much lately. You must think I'm avoiding you. When you call and say "Hey, let's go out to eat or see a movie" I want more than anything to say "I miss you! Let's go!" But I can't. Instead, I make up an excuse. I'm sure by now you believe that I simply don't want to see you. On the contrary, I could really use more of you in my life. But you see, it's not you, my dearest friend, it's not you at all. I rarely go out of the house anymore, as you've probably noticed over the past 4 or 5 months. If anyone calls me to do something, I usually reject it just the same. But I hear the hurt in your voice, or the annoyance, when I turn your offer down. I hate hurting you.

I wish I could explain to you the reasons why it's so hard for me to focus on anything but food and my weight and my body. Then perhaps you wouldn't take it personally when I say I don't want to get out of the house. I want you to know that it isn't you and that I would love to spend every day with you.

What I really want to tell you is how I can't allow myself a social life because a certain obsession has taken over every other aspect. my life? it's nothing but a mere existence of waiting. I am waiting until I am satisfied enough with the way I look to go out and have no worries. Sadly, I do not think that time will ever come. This, I am slowly realizing.

I want to tell you about my eating disorder, or at least, that I think I have one. but remember that one time I said "no" to pizza and a piece of cake at your house? you rolled your eyes at me and said I was skinny and had nothing to worry about. And then the other time at your party you had a bag of chips in your hand, you said "want some?", so I picked up the bag to read the nutritional info and what did you do-- you rolled your eyes and said "lighten up for god sake's, it's a party, Adriel, it's not going to kill you."

Those comments hurt more than you could ever understand. I know you get frustrated with me caring so much about what I eat and how I look, partly because you are a little overweight. I can understand how it must be annoying when you're the one that actually needs to lose about 20 pounds to be in "normal" range, and I'm the one that's "dieting" and working out. Somehow I think your impatience and annoyance with me stems from a resentment and you're taking your own insecurities out on me.

This is why I can't tell you how sick I think I really am becoming. No one knows. and I wish I were able to tell you. You know everything else about me. I'm dying inside to share my pain with you. but I can't. You will roll your eyes, scoff, say I'm skinny and call me ridiculous. Or you might just get silent then say "yeah" and forget I ever mentioned anything.

so I keep my mouth shut. I don't want help anyway. I just wish I could let you in to my life more.

love,
Adriel.

1/2 cup skim milk w/ 1 banana and 1/2 cup fiber one cereal
1 serving oatmeal
1 peach
1 cup green tea
2 strawberries

---------

I need to buy new bras. I tried on my favorite one I haven't worn in a while and it's too big everywhere. it actually slides when I move.

This is the 3rd day in a row that my father has suspiciously inquired of my eating. So I just made myself a peanut butter sandwhich and grabbed a bag of rice cakes, took a bite in front of them and went to my room to "finish" it. but yes, then i spit it out and threw away the rest. I feel horrible for wasting food. deceiving. being utterly ridiculous and idiotic. but whatever works I guess, right?

from now on I have to be extremely meticulous. when I eat something I have to make sure that I take at least a few bites in front of my parents. it's not that long until I move out of here so if I can just keep this up a little longer I'll be fine. well, considering I don't die or have a breakdown before then. heh.

I dislike Dr. Phil, however, today on his show there was a young woman with an eating disorder. everything she said mirrored all that goes on in my mind. I wasn't sure how to feel about this. the fact that she was on a television show like that, with all the people in the audience shaking their heads in pity at her. when I have nearly the same feelings and attitude. well, at least i'm not addicted to diet pills or laxatives.

I'm positive that I need to exercise more, but I simply don't have enough energy. I used to be able to make 2 straight miles in intervals of walking and jogging, and now I can barely make 1/2 a mile. and even then, I've been getting dizzy quite often. Let's see, hey, Adriel, maybe you should eat more. yeah, we all know that. but ha, ha, ha. I really want to exercise more-- it makes me feel better and it's what I need to get toned. the little jiggle that is left on my body is driving me up the wall and then back down it again. maybe around it, too. if that were possible, yeah, I'd say it would.

I love Paula Deen. I want to make some of her desserts for my family on Father's day. Even more than I love Paula, I love feeding people. It makes me feel like an evil puppeteer. "yes YES, eat, eat, mwahaha! stuff yourselves, my minions, eat it all!"

My goal is going to drop to 110 by the time I reach this one, I know it will. I really don't look that thin, I promise. my fat distribution on my body is odd. I sound sick, don't I? hmph. well let's talk about my confidence then. it's plummeting with every pound. seems backwards.