Log in

26 June 2008 @ 10:14 pm
i only feel good about myself when i'm hungry.
this is nothing new. just resurfacing.

i dont want this existence.
but i can't stand having my stomach full.
and looking at myself in the mirror.
21 June 2008 @ 12:24 am
i am letting go. letting go of rationale. reasoning. reckoning.

i am forcing myself to eat so i dont let it get too far again.

here i am, reprimanding myself and my decision, when i lie down to sleep, and my stomach no longer growls.
remember those days, dear? when you wanted to wrap blankets around you in a will to disappear because you felt so unworthy? and all because you had a bit more to eat-- you know, something to graze on in order to not die-- and it made the rumbling of your system cease.

to the non-disordered, this is called living. to us, this is called failure.

this scenery is too familiar.
i think i'm already getting too far gone.
19 June 2008 @ 01:02 am
If anyone on my friend's list remembers me from a couple of years ago...

I am back.

and kids, I need yer lovin' and yer support and yer company.

Here's the rundown:

I'm now 21; I went to New Zealand and lived there for a few months.. it's what initially brought me out of my depression and began normal-ish eating habits. Then I moved to upstate NY a couple of years ago after my father passed away; got an amazing job working with a nonprofit; have since moved to NYC; basically I've had an amazing life for a few years now. That's the basics.  I thought I had this beat, stored away in my "god that was a scary time, never going there again, i was pathetic, look at me now" file.

However, this past week, I realize that it never really goes away. That thinking, that voice, it's always there. and sometimes, if you're not careful and taking extra precautions all the time, your disease comes out to play again.

My birthday was today (well, it's 1am as i write this.. so technically yesterday).
I have a gorgeous dog, a near perfect roommate, a great sex life (with myself and with others), a nice job, LOVE my city and my apartment and my location, a tremendous circle of friends spanning from the south, to the west, east, north and everywhere in between. I stay very busy and I feel very fulfilled.

I don't get why she's back now. I don't get it. But for the past 5 days, I'm suddenly comforted by my hunger pangs again. I suddenly feel better when I'm hungry. I'm remember this torrent of irrational and insane thoughts, feelings, ideas I had back when all this first came to a blow. Thing is, I'm not weighing myself and I don't have that sickening "goal weight" I once had. But I'm finding the other habits and thoughts that are back in action are just as strong.

I don't want to stop. but I know where this leads.  and it's not a fun place.

Is she doing this tonight
Drinking tea instead of eating
Stalking the mirror, windows, shiny suckered surfaces for a reflection,
For some loose interpretation of her form
Waiting for a glitch that’s pleasing to the eye
Taking notes, tips, and tricks to not appear worn
I tried. she says, i really did try.
Instead, she’s back, keeping company with these grave dwellers
Relearning how to solicit armor with a built-in self destruct lever
The comfort of control has reared its disheveled face again
Whose job is it to set the boundaries? she needs someone to
Make a diagram, or a geometrical shape with definitive lines
Someone to say "do not color outside these parameters"
She knows once the will is there, some jerk always yanks the ladder back up
Then there's nothin' to do 'cept ruminate over all those imperfections
Wander in the labryinth of what was once a stable mind,
then sit, sip slowly and cautiously the liquid from her cup



so on this note, this update, i'll leave with a sign off:


today's foods:

1 energy bar = 240 calories
large salad, no dressing = 150 calories
1 cup hemp milk with nutritional powder = 250 calories

here we go again....
22 June 2005 @ 11:32 am
fuck you.

fuck this.

fuck everything.
21 June 2005 @ 07:16 pm
[today's food:
1/2 cup fiber one cereal w/ 1/2 cup skim milk and banana
1 serving oatmeal w/ half apple]

I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't know what I've become. My last post was so gung-ho about getting out of this. but as the day progressed, the more I realized how clingy and dependent I've become to this disorder.. disease.. whatever it is. My fall schedule got fucked up somehow and when I couldn't figure out what I was going to do and how to fix it, I threw a terrible fit and cried for an hour. I yelled at my own mother for trying to help me. all because I'm so miserable, full of self-loathing and irritability.

I had planned to eat tonight, as a first step to escaping this black hole, but like all black holes do, it pulled me back already. Hey Adriel, get pissed or frustrated? just don't eat, that'll give you some control!It'll fix everything. or at least one thing.

but before that happened even, I got out of the house today for the first time in an entire week (I think). My sister wanted me to go with her to look at wedding dresses and wedding cake possibilities (she's getting married in March). We were looking at all the magnificent wedding cake designs and examples at the shop, and out of nowhere I fell down and just started crying right there in the middle of the store. I'm sure I embarrassed the shit out of her. she took me to the bathroom, "what's wrong? what's wrong?" How do I explain to her that I don't know if I'll live to see her in her beautiful dress getting married? How do I tell her how if I do, I won't be able to taste the cake I'm helping design? How do I get the words out to let her know how much I am suffering, without feeling guilty that I'm ruining this special experience in her life (picking out things for her wedding). So I said "I'm sorry, I just don't feel very well right now. Can we go home"

However, even if I'm not eating tonight (I tried, I really did), I e-mailed a local center around here and called them to leave a message in hopes of getting some more information and someone to talk to. I'll update here when I hear anything back.

thank you for all your positive comments and immense support. xox
I feel: morosemorose
I hear: fiona apple - slow like honey
21 June 2005 @ 02:59 pm
After fainting 3 days in a row. Losing my best friend's interest in me. Forgetting my own father's birthday. and having a breakdown last night, breaking a mirror---- I made a decision today.

I want to be happy.

So I'm going to try. I'll let you know how it goes.
best of luck to all. xox
Damn all periods to hell. I finally got my little visitor after a couple of months of her bailing on me. I suppose this would be a good thing for my body, but a baaaad thing for all else. I've actually been craving food. I rarely get the urge to eat anything, even when my stomach is growling. and now not only am I finding my way to the kitchen, but also imagining eating many fattening, bad foods that I haven't craved in a long time. I haven't eaten any of my cravings (hello amazing self control), but the fact that it's there is driving me insane. insanely frustrating! Ah well, it should pass within the next few days and then all will return to as it should be. and the world will make sense again.

added to this though, I have been horrendously mean to my body and spirit today. too much negativity. I need to light some candles, meditate and chill the fuck out. the strive for perfection bit has gone a little over the top lately. and it's killing me.


today's food:

½ cup fiber one cereal
½ cup skim milk
1 banana
2 blueberries, 2 strawberries
small handful of roasted nuts
1 apple
1 cup green tea
I feel: weirdweird
I hear: zz top's greatest hits
20 June 2005 @ 12:36 pm

new day. new goal. will I live to see it? will it be enough? I can see fragments of my bones, but I can also feel and see the fat around them. that scale is deceiving. so is everything else.

I wrote an entry in my friends only xanga the other day about absolutely having no desire to have social contact, etc. and a friend leaves me a comment after she reads it saying "hey we need to hang out soon, i love you!"

....what part of "no social contact" did she not understand? honestly. people. i give up.
I feel: sleepysleepy
I hear: the faint - sex is personal
19 June 2005 @ 09:50 pm
I think if I ever feel like getting married (I'm sure I will eventually), that the lucky winner will be required to possess only one quality:

be a vegan chef

ironically, it would make life so much easier.
19 June 2005 @ 07:13 pm
½ cup fiber one cereal
½ cup skim milk
1 banana
1 cup green tea
5 strawberries
½ peach
½ apple